When I was a kid, anytime the grass was covered with snow, you could bet your ass that my friends and I were out sledding down hills and running back up them. That wasn’t all that long ago. Now that I’m older, I live in a town with a huge park that has a lot of really steep hills! They’re perfect for sledding! This morning, I took my daughter to the park to go sledding. There was not one set of tracks ANYWHERE! I thought, “okay, the snow fell yesterday, I’m sure by the end of the day there will be more tracks.” Nope. I went past the park and the only set of tracks were the ones we made this morning. I was disgusted! I mean, we had video games when I was a kid. I played video games all the time. But I also played outside so much that my mom would have to yell for me to come in. Get outside and go friggin’ play.

On a side note, I heard a guy on the radio today saying that frostbite is less common in the United States these days due to “better winter clothing,” and “increased awareness about the dangers of cold weather.” How about, “because kids won’t get off their lazy asses and go play outside.”

Disturbing.

If you haven’t heard already, there is a recall on some Fisher-Price toys due to some bad, lead-tainted, Chinese paint. (Details located on Mattel’s website).

After looking at the toys, I realized that I have SIX of the mentioned toys in my house right now! Damn you, Dora!!! (but I later found that only two are actually affected by the recall because they were purchased after May 1, 2007)

There are 87 toys affected – here are the ones that we have in our house (only the last two are getting sent back, though).

 

Just in time for my daughter’s venture from car seat to big-girl booster seat, I learned a really good tip. If your daughter or son likes to nap in the car, make sure you buy the booster seat with the biggest side headrests. This way she has something to lean against while she’s sleeping. If you don’t, you’ll be tempted to move her against the door, and that’s not the safest place. I used to put my little girl on the passenger side, but somebody taught me that she’s safest in the middle. So… that’s where she is now, in her booster seat, in the middle, with great big pink flowery headrests. (…and by right now, I mean that’s where her seat is… she’s next to me on the floor coloring in her Backyardigans coloring book).

We’ve all been there. Gravity takes hold of something that stains and spills it on something that’s expensive. Out of your mouth rolls some four-letter expletive that just happens to fall within earshot of your little bundle of joy. Your instinct is to quickly downplay the “naughty word,” and explain to your child that you were bad and that you shouldn’t have said “that word.” Unfortunately, isolating the word and putting it on a “naughty” pedestal is far worse than the fact that you let it slip in the first place.

In the rare case where I do swear near my daughter, instead of reinforcing the word, I simply bury it in conversation. Talk about something else right away. Move on. Don’t sit and dwell on the word and your child will be less likely to have it programmed into his or her brain.

Now, I’m not saying that it’s acceptable to swear so long as you use the above technique, but in moderation it can get you out of a jam without actively reinforcing the word into your child’s vocabulary. There are no guarantees with this, either. Some kids will pick up words even if you don’t reinforce them – especially if you overuse those words in specific situations (you spill something, a person cuts you off, etc.).

Even better technique: mind what you say and around whom you say it.

This is going to sound like a simple little piece of advice, but it goes a lot deeper than you may think. Little kids have big ears. It’s cliché, yes, but most clichés become clichés because they’re true, right?

For instance, let’s say you tell your new girlfriend, away from your daughter but within earshot, that you like your women to have big chests. Don’t then be surprised if your daughter later repeats that sentiment back to you in the form of “I have to have a big chest” or something along those lines. (For the record, the above example is based on a true story, but the names and body parts have been changed to protect the guilty.) How big will you feel when your daughter is objectifying herself based on your prior objectification?

Kids are likely to dislike the people whom you verbalize your dislike for. Kids will not eat the vegetables that you say that you don’t like. Kids will not want to go to the dentist when you say you hate the dentist. You get the idea.

Watch what you say, when you say it, and how you say it. That’s all I’m sayin’.

This is a quick, but mildly important tip for dads, especially during the summertime. If you take your child to any sort of pool, and your child is under the age of three, you may want to bring some Lil’ Swimmers just in case. There are certain pools where, even if your child is potty trained, they require them to wear swim diapers. And, in some cases, you might even have to put them in a swim diaper AND a plastic diaper cover (they call them swim pants, I believe).

My daughter was potty trained at 18 months, so it is kind of weird putting her in diapers. However, when the choice is between putting your kid in diapers or not swimming, the decision is pretty easy.

When your child is old enough to speak, he or she will ask you the word, “why,” about 90-gazillion times. It can get frustrating, but she’s only trying to learn what you know. …and sometimes she’s trying to test her boundaries.

I found that the absolute best way to put an end to the question, “why,” is to answer the first “why” with such an intricate answer that she won’t want to ask you “why” again for fear that you might bore her to death.

Bad Example:

Dad: “Please get off of the coffee table.”

Toddler: “Why?”

Dad: “Because I said so.”

Toddler: “Why?”

Dad: “Because you’ll get hurt.”

Toddler: “Why?”

Dad: “Because if you fall you’re going to hit your head.”

Toddler: “Why?”

– See what I mean??????????? Ugh!

Good Example:

Dad: “Please get off of the coffee table.”

Toddler: “Why?”

Dad: “Because if you don’t get off of the table right now, the wood will probably break and you will probably fall and hit your head on the window sill. Then daddy will have to put you in the car and drive you 23 miles to the nearest hospital (note: that means the nearest hospital that’s name doesn’t start with “Beaver Dam”) where we will have to sit and wait for the doctor to see you and then he’ll have to sew your head back together with fishing line and a big scary needle.”

Your mileage may vary, but for my daughter that is enough for her to shrug her shoulders and move on. You answer all of the questions before they’re answered, and your conversation goes from 90-questions down to one.

You’re welcome.

You may be a single guy, but just because you don’t have your child 100% of the time doesn’t mean that you aren’t still a father 100% of the time. You may think that when your ex has your child that you are free to go out and act like any other single guy, but really you can’t. Your hardcore partying days are over (hell, those days may be WHY you’re single ). Whether you like the stigma or not, you have a child and you can’t be that guy, anymore.

“Yeah, dude, we got really wasted and then we took the strippers back to our hotel room,” sounds pretty, uhm, cool, when you’re talking to your buds. Now imagine a) your kid hearing that same story, b) your ex hearing that story, AND c) a judge hearing that story. Remember, anything you say or do WILL be used against you.

Now, I am not saying, “you’re a dad now, so don’t have ANY fun,” I’m just saying, “don’t be a loser.” Grow up and realize that you are a dad. Your child’s future depends on it. Hell, the future of our country depends on it.

You could spend your life savings on DVDs for the kids. Seriously, a couple Dora’s here, a few Diego’s there, one or two (hundred) Disney movies for good measure, and pretty soon you’re dipping into your 401k and eating Mac & Cheese for dinner every night.

Then, once you have all of those great DVDs, your child will, and I’ll repeat with all caps, WILL destroy said DVDs. They will use them as coasters, turn them into improvised air hockey pucks on your coffee table, and even strap them on their feet to “ice skate” across your hardwood floors. Trust me! Sure, you can say you’ll put the DVDs up high or “keep an eye” on your child at all times, but that doesn’t work. One blink and your child will be showing you all the pretty sparkles the DVDs make when they bend them in half.

The really cool part is that after you watch your DVDs four or fifteen times, you will be SO sick of those shows that you will want to gouge your eyes out and pour scalding coffee into your ears. In fact, if you’ve ever seen Barney’s Beach Party even once, you may have already done so. My sympathies.

Enter DVR. Guys, we already know that this is the single coolest invention ever made, but let me point out its benefits:

1. If you already have cable or satellite, it is only an extra $5 per month (per receiver). That’s half the cost of one 1/2 hour DVD at Wal*Mart.
2. You can record all of the shows that your child likes, and then set the DVR to dump a number of them once new ones are recorded. That way you don’t have to watch the same exact shows over and over and over.
3. There is no slot to put pizza, loose change, or toys into, so you won’t have to worry about having your DVD player ruined.
4. Most of the Noggin/Nick Jr./Nickelodeon shows are commercial-free during the show (and then they play 10 minutes worth of commercials at the end.) But, in the event that there are commercials, you can easily skip through them on the DVR.
5. You can record your own shows when you are busy playing with your kid(s) and then watch the shows once they’re sleeping.

Dads (and moms) I am telling you that you NEED a DVR. Unless, of course, you’re one of those families that don’t allow your kids to even watch an instant of television. Of course, if that’s the case, you’re probably Amish, and you’re probably not reading this website.

Dads! Heed this. You will have your child/children in the car at some point. And, at some point, you will be forced to get out of your car and go for a walk (mall/business adventure/potty break somewhere that includes a long walk to said potty). Keep an umbrella stroller in your car AT ALL TIMES. These things are lifesavers.

If you have to hit the grocery store on your way home, at least they give you the convenience of a shopping cart. Most other places won’t find you so lucky. If you spilled chocolate milk all over your white shirt, and you need to hit the mall before going on your big play date, you don’t want to be carrying your little one on your hip as you rush to find something that doesn’t make you look like a d-bag.

ALSO, if you’ve ever had your young child in the store without a shopping cart/stroller to restrain them, you know that kids touch everything. Keeping them locked-up in the stroller means they can only touch what they can reach. It’s like your own minimum-security prison.

One more thing, if YOU have to take a potty break of your own, putting your child in an umbrella stroller means that you can park him/her behind you in the handicap stall and be pretty sure that he or she won’t be touching all of the grossness that is a public restroom.

I’ve only been a father for three short years; a single father for two years of those year. While I’m quite sure that I’ll never be nominated for a “Father of the Year” award, I have learned a thing or two along the way, and I feel that it is my duty to pass some of that information along.

Yes, there may be better advice out there, in fact, I’m sure of it, but there are some things that I wish I knew without having to learn via trial and error. I plan on writing about those things here on FuzzMartin.com. Some of the advice may even be appropriate for non-single dads or (gasp) moms! Of course, we all know that moms know everything, so if you see something that you don’t agree with – feel free to correct me.

I’ve got about 20 ideas written up already, so sit back and enjoy.